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Relationships Tips: Tell Your Story As You Want It to Be

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Right now, I am in love with Esther and Jerry Hicks’ book Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, & HappinessThe law of attraction book series written by this amazing couple were the inspiration for the book The Secret.  One of the main lessons of this book is that you must learn to re-tell your story as you want it to be rather than as you are experiencing it now.  This advice is especially important when applying it to your love life, because we often bring our past experiences into our present life by rehashing stories, mulling over what went wrong, and being hyper-vigilant in new situations so that we won’t be hurt and disappointed again. If you want different results in your dating life, you have to change the story that you are telling about your love life.  It may feel strange and fake at first, but it’s the only way you are going to align your attitude, spirit, and the abundance of the Universe to bring you what your heart most desires.

I’m not asking you to go around telling people lies about your love life. Rather, whenever you have the chance to share your “story” in some way, choose to feel good about your love life and attract to yourself what you want. For example, if you see a romantic restaurant that you’d love to go to with a boyfriend, tell yourself, “I can’t wait to go there with my partner.”  The woman determined to “tell it like it is” ends up with this story: “I wish I could go there, but I’m single and all my girl friends are either too bunned up with their men, bitter and broke, or depressed about being single to go with me. All the men I know are too lazy, poor, or disinterested to accompany me to a place like that. I guess I’ll never go.”  You have to re-tell the story of your love life–and genuinely feel good about it even before you’ve experienced what you’re yearning for.

I recently found something that I wrote a year ago, and I am amazed to see how the story I told myself about my love life has manifested in the relationship I have today. I have excerpted some of the most relevant parts of the story I wrote over a year ago:

My perfect partner is a Black graduate or current student of Harvard between the ages of 25-28. He is tall, handsome, and physically fit. He’s great in bed, and very eager to please me. . . . Whenever we have a conflict, he can talk about his feelings and thoughts and listen to mine constructively. He is trustworthy, loyal, and honest. He is a great kisser, and loves to cuddle. He dresses nicely and likes to look nice when he goes out, but he’s also very sexy in a white t-shirt and sweatpants. He encourages my creativity and all my wild dreams. He is motivated but understands that the best things in life are relationships, memories, and experiences. He is ready for and excited about being in a serious, long-term relationship. He is very into me, and I am very into him. I am very secure in his love for me, and he constantly does things to surprise and remind me how much he loves me and cherishes being with me. He is great at planning dates, and when I am with him I feel protected and energized. . . .  He loves to give me gifts—big and small—and he loves to surprise me with fun dates, parties, and tokens of his appreciation. He loves to eat the food that I cook—and always acts like it is delicious. . . . He does not have any addictions and is an occasional social drinker. He is athletic and very patient and encouraging with me when playing sports and doing physical activities. He always encourages me to live an active lifestyle and finds creative ways to get me moving and exercising. He has a gorgeous smile and is generous with his affection. We both love the movies, so we watch and talk about them often. I introduce him to theater, and he begins to love it as much as I do. He always gives me great ideas of things to paint and write about and makes a big show of reading and framing my work. He has a voracious sexual appetite as do I but also enjoys a great nap and cuddlefest. . . . We love to travel together. . . . We love to talk about things together—politics, art, life, etc.—and we love to learn together. We visit museums from time to time, and we love to go out to eat and try new restaurants. . . .

I read this out loud to Big (including the parts that are not included here) and we both laughed at how detailed and earnest my description was but also how much of it was actually true in our relationship.

If this exercise seems silly, weird, or ludicrous to you, feel free to ignore it. However, if you are feeling dissatisfied and confused in your love life, wondering where all the men are, why other people get their happy endings and yours keeps eluding you, it would be a worthwhile activity to sit down and retell your love story. Note that while I intricately described my perfect partner, I did not include a long list of must-haves and dealbreakers. Rather, I affirmed the traits and experiences I hope to have. Focus on what you want. Feel good about it. Believe that you can have it. Make it your new story in your mind and in your actions–and one day, you’ll look up and realize it has actually come true.


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